Letter to Heaven

Dear Ms. Steenkamp,

I wonder if you are watching down from Heaven.  I hope with all of my heart that you are beyond the pain and grief of what happened to you, and where ever you are, you feel only that you are loved.

I’m sorry that I don’t believe the judge.  It sounds like she will be coming to a legally sound judgment, one that makes your killer responsible for manslaughter, but I don’t believe she is completely correct. I’ve learned from leaving my domestic violence filled marriage that you can receive a legal outcome that does its “best” but is not perfect (in my case, protects you as best as possible), and still does not hold your abuser accountable for the egregious things that they did.

I believe the neighbors--that they heard you screaming.  I believe that Mr. Pistorious was likely screaming, too.  I believe that you ran into the bathroom with your phone, scared.  I believe that Mr. Pistorious killed you in one of his anger outbursts that evidence shows he was more than capable of.  I believe that he embarrassed you in front of your friends and made you feel responsible for his bad moods.

I once was responsible for my Ex’s bad moods.  I once was the one who tried to reason and explain and hope for the best, out of love and commitment—because I loved my Ex so much.  That doesn’t mean that the good things didn’t happen, I also sent him love letters and happy texts between the explosions, it just means that the bad things happened, too.

I believe our justice system is designed to be “fair,” but isn’t always “right.”  It’s why some killers are acquitted, or wrongly accused killers are convicted.  It is the legal system that puts on the blindfolds of justice and has to weigh the A, B, C, and Mr. Pistorious had a very savvy, educated defense team.  So the legal rights of both “sides” are weighed and balanced and then the system walks the line in between.  I’m sorry that witnesses that heard you screaming were not believed.

I’m sorry for your family, who will grieve your death, and I’m sorry for all women in this world who are killed by their partners.  How I wish I could wave a magic wand and stop this violence.