Tuesday, October 7, 2014


Over the last few days I’ve been struggling with making decisions, with being confident in what to choose, how to act.  What to ignore, what to address.  I’ve been down and out, feeling like I should give up already.  Although I’m not even sure what giving up means.  I’m so tired of fighting.  I’m so tired of the vigilance.

The anxiety about our situation is reaching into other areas of my life.  I worry about my “seem like an extrovert but really an introvert” status.  Yes, I love my job and interacting with people, but maybe I’m so wounded that it’s really difficult for me to maintain friendships “normally.”  I have good relationships at work because I know that’s one of the ways to do my job well—that is, cooperate, be a team player, and at the same time, take responsibility of crap that I’m supposed to be responsible for and make some decisions already—with everyone’s input taken into consideration as much as I can.  I guess it’s easier in a work setting, because there’s a prescribed time of when you are there and what is expected of you.  And the fact that I enjoy the ‘work,’ helps, too.  Outside of work—I’m kind of a social idiot.  I feel like my secret introvert really shows.  It takes effort to be involved and maintain friendships—and part of having kids is forcing me to interact and be social with other parents, sometimes I’m good at that, others, not so much.  I worry that I’m not a good enough friend, I don’t interact enough, or I interact at an arm’s length because sometimes, I feel like hiding.  Sometimes, I worry I’m being a crappy friend.  I hem and haw, not sure if I should make plans, but once I do, it all turns out just fine and I have a good time.  So what’s up with the anxiety?

Or, I worry if DD1’s neighbor pal hasn’t been over to play for a few weeks, if their parents are worried about our divorce situation and maybe don’t want to expose their daughter to it. Clearly, I need to regulate these fingers of doubt and anxiety, because last week end, she was over almost every day, and I could hear them giggling and laughing for hours.  And…this neighbor pal lives with her mom and step-dad, so if there would be any play mate who would understand, certainly this family, right?  I need to get a grip.

And after being worried for two days that I may have offended DD1’s BFF’s mom by missing calls (she is also a working mom), we’ve just made plans for a sleep over, because it’s fall break, and at first I was all worried that maybe I was imposing, but we love having her sleep over at our house, too, so it’s all going to be fine, and we’re going to plan something for BFF to stay with us in November.  I’m just such an idiot!!!  Let go and live in the moment right?

Some days I’m good at this, some days, not so much.  I read a quote on FB about worry is a waste of time, it just sucks out what could be a joyful time for you.  I think I’m on the uptick of the worry ebb and flow, I feel it receding, I guess because I’ve overcome the latest e-mauls relatively unscathed.  I’m likely triggered because we will be interviewing two new attorneys for potential representation as a ‘safe-guard’—my wonderful and capable attorney who won my case for me is retiring.  So maybe it’s re-thinking and re-living what we went through to get to today is what’s setting me off lately.

Does the anxiety ebb and flow for you, too?  How do you manage it?  Yesterday, I exercised my brains out, and that helped, but it also gave me a sore tummy (or maybe that was the anxiety), so I could only eat white toast for dinner.  My darling husband and I had some alone time, watching our favorite brain candy shows (Scandal, and the new “How to Get Away with Murder”) and it was a nice break from thinking.

How do you let go of worry and embrace the love?  It seems like I was so good at it the week before last.  I’m feeling stronger today.  I guess I just have to figure out how to embrace each moment, really live in it, rather than write about that I should.

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